Gottman's Love Lab

As a psychology major I was very interested in writing about Gottman’s Love Lab this week. I first heard about Gottman’s research in Psych 423, Social Psychology of Interpersonal/Intergroup Relationships, since then I have kept the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in mind when communicating in my own relationships. Gottman’s lab at the University of Washington analyzes actual couples and follows up with them over the years to see if they are still together and how their marriage is doing. The video, The Love Lab, shows a more in-depth look at the labs procedures. Couples fill out questionnaires, are analyzed on several physiological measures and videotaped for researchers to code for certain behaviors, including the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” during a conversation on conflicts within their relationship.

“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are four behaviors Gottman and his team found to be particularly destructive to the relationship. These are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Contempt is basically not respecting your partner, criticism is finding fault with another. Defensiveness is protecting oneself from criticism to maintain ones ego. While, stonewalling is refusing to talk about the issue at hand. The article on Psychology Today, Welcome to the Love Lab, mentions males are more likely to use stonewalling. I also learned this in my psychology class which is interesting because I find I have a habit of using stonewalling during confrontation, whereas my male partner is the opposite. In my experience, this may be negative for my partner who wishes to talk about the problem at hand. However, it is helpful for me because I get angry and defensive easily and walking from away from the conversation allows me to calm down and think rationally. Then I can return to the conversation better able to articulate how I am feeling.

Welcome to the Love Lab gave actually transcripts of couple’s sessions in the study and Gottmans analysis of their communication methods. An issue one of the couples had was the female wanted her partner to ask her what was wrong, whereas the male preferred not to talk about it. Gottman characterized this as a lack of “love maps,” or the being attentive to their partner’s feelings and thoughts. It is hard for me to imagine that one could be in a relationship and not “construct” these love maps. Personally, I always want to know what my partner is thinking, hoping, or stressing about. My issue lies in not wanting to bring up my own problems.

As we learned in class, Gottman's lab is able to predict with 92% accuracy whether or not a couple will stay together. It is so interesting how psychology can quantify something so personal, as well as individual and unique as relationships. I feel as though more people should be educated on the benefits of positive communication habits or go to counseling if they find they are not able to do it on their own. Unfortunately, I think there is still a stigma against going to therapy that if reversed could foster more successful and happy relationships.