"Does he like me? He keeps checking his phone.
Maybe he's waiting for someone to call. Why are his arms crossed? Is it cold?
Maybe I should put on my sweater..."
These types of thoughts are not uncommon to women who often overanalyze the actions of their date. In fact, both men and women try to understand each other through the body language they are displaying. Another term used to describe such body language is the term, "nonverbal behavior." Nonverbal behavior is any and all behavior except actual words themselves. In the world of nonverbal behavior, there are five main types of behaviors that are observed. Physical appearance, proxemics (space and territorial aspects), kinesics (movement), paralanguage (tone of voice), and haptics (touch) are all nonverbal behaviors that can be noted when observing someone. On a first date, one is often wondering how the other person is really feeling. By analyzing these type of nonverbal behaviors, one can figure if, in fact, the other person is truly interested.
The idea of intimacy and feeling connected to someone is often hard to achieve, especially when taking so many types of nonverbal behavior into consideration. Furthermore, verbal communication is just as important as nonverbal communication. Making sure of touching someone to show interest is just as important as letting them know vocally. Overall, this makes the process of getting intimate quite extensive. Thinking about his arm placement, his tone of voice, where his attention is - all while still focusing on the conversation you are having at that moment is all too much to think about at once.
So, how do you balance verbal and nonverbal communication? An article recently published in the New York Times, "No.37: Big Wedding or Small?" is an article that explains how asking 36 specific questions can make two people more intimate. The questions focus on mutual vulnerability and how such vulnerability can actually bring two people closer together. The 36 questions are broken down into three uneven sets in which the sets get more and more personal as it goes on. Question 1 begins with the question, "Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?" This is a very straightforward question that is completely reliant on verbal behavior because you are expected to directly ask it. However, as you move on, question 8 asks, "Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common." This question is directly asking you to observe your partner. In other words, certain types of nonverbal behavior can be observed. Physical appearance, for instance, would be an easy similarity to note. Whether or not you both like the same style of clothing is something that is viewable.
The article continues to explain a series of other questions that would help make a deep connection with someone. For instance, question 18 asks, "What is your most terrible memory?" Questions such as these would cause people to share more than they are used to. I know I would feel more connected to someone who knew my personal history. Therefore, these questions aim to make verbal behavior effective. Question 29 states, "Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life." This question, I believe shows how you can share emotional moments, which creates an emotional connection with the other person. After stabilizing this connection over 36 questions, the instructions dictate to stare into the other person's eyes for four minutes. This action even furthers the connection that has been created and is an example of nonverbal communication. Though no words are being exchanged, by staring into someone's eyes you are conveying a form of understanding and interest. This is why on dates, it is common knowledge that if the other person is making eye contact, it is a signal of interest and attraction. Nonverbal communication and verbal communication, when combined as explained in the article, is a very effective method to construct a relationship.
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